


If you can't swim, just carry water wings with you at all times

by luxraoe



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Magic Exists, References to Depression, Survivor Guilt, completely self indulgent, merfolk have long hair, mermaid au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:02:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24822790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxraoe/pseuds/luxraoe
Summary: It was during this realization that the human finally moved, their body falling from the cliff as they dived head first towards the water.
Relationships: Alvin&Ludger will Kresnik, Jude Mathis & Leia Rolando, Jude Mathis & Ludger Will Kresnik, Julius Will Kresnik & Ludger Will Kresnik, Leia Rolando & Ludger Will Kresnik
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this instead of sleeping,,, if this is well received i might make this a series but for now it's a standalone one shot.   
> i'm gonna take a fat nap now  
> yell at me on twitter @luxaroe

Staring at the sun bathed sand from a distance had always been a guilty pleasure. Seeing the legged people run across the sand with bare feet, silently marveling how they could run and jump with ease. Sitting beside the warm rocks lining the coast, pale skin heated comfortably from the sun, cradling him with the sense of drowsiness as he observed from his hiding spot. 

Years passed and the activity never ceased, despite the warnings from Ludger’s brother. Occasionally the young merman would pinch his fins, pondering over the webbed appendages that were unlike the people on land. 

The silver scales that fell into black and yellow gradients along his sides, shimmering under the light of his room’s fluorescent glorocks. His pair of soft dorsal fins were starting to expand out and the tips of his tail fin were growing into a darker shade of grey.

“You don’t need to concern yourself with them.” Julius advised kindly, shaking his head as the blonde tied up his younger brother’s hair, “You’re getting older now and have responsibilities.” 

Ludger huffed, blowing out a stream of bubbles before restlessly kicking off the coral seat, “They just want another voice, how is that a responsibility..” The boy pouted childishly, reaching up to his hair and tugged at the tie petulantly. Julius never tied his hair right. 

“Origin needs regular prayers, you know that.” Julius sighed. 

He swatted Ludger’s hands away from his hair, the flurry of bubbles distracted Ludger just enough to keep his fingers away. Combing his fingers through the silver hair, he tied the piece of kelp in a tighter knot, firmly keeping it in place. Much better, Ludger thought. 

“You’re almost thirteen, I can’t keep Bisley from making you participate in ceremonies anymore.” He warned, ruffling the younger boy’s hair affectionately. 

“Okay..” Ludger figured that was the end of the conversation, kicking his fins to float over his brother, giving him a hug around the neck, “I’m still gonna go to the surface today though.” He said cheekily before swimming off, leaving a tired Julius behind. 

The large corridors were void of staff, meaning Ludger could swim around without being told to slow down. The tall ceilings were carved out from rock, decorated with intricate details that only flaunted their family’s status rather than add to the buildings structural integrity. Turning the corner beside the west wing, an incoming group was drawing closer from the other side of the hall. He quickly retreated back around the corner, swimming to a higher perch and camouflaging himself with one of the several chandeliers that hung from the tall ceilings. 

Soon, an imposing merman dressed in red passed by his spot. He was followed by a group of advisors Ludger recognized, only one of which was anyone Ludger thought kindly of. Vera always helped him get out of his father’s scrutiny when he was called to an audience, distracting him with reminders of his schedule or other similar means, allowing Ludger to be excused. 

“Ludger, you know that your father doesn't like it when you play up there.” Vera scolded. 

The group had already swam past, leaving Vera alone as she tilted her head up towards the ceiling. He looked around, wondering what gave away his spot and realized the fin of his tail was resting off the edge. Ludger grimaced, tucking his tail in before leaving his perch and floating back down to the floor.

“Sorry, Ms. Vera..” He mumbled shyly, “It won’t happen again.” 

“It’s okay, just be more careful next time.” She sighed, patting the young merman’s head. “Have you seen Julius, I needed to speak with him about some things.”

Ludger nodded his head, pointing back down the hall, “He had free time so he was going to train today.” 

“Thank you, I’ll see you later.” She dismissed herself, kicking her tail to head towards the courtyard, leaving a trail of bubbles behind her. 

Ludger turned back around towards the back gate, sneaking behind the guards before breaking into the open sea. Schools of fish and colorful coral lay just below his family’s estate, leading to Triglyphs' busy street life. Swimming above the city limits, he could still hear the loud street noise and passing stingray drawn carriages.

The luminescent coral lined the sand dollar paved streets, casting shadows over the lower levels of the reef. Entering the residential district of the city, Ludger could see two familiar merfolk waving to him from below. 

Descending was a little tricky, weaving between the passing hoards of sea life. He always felt bad when he bumped into a defenseless fish, the poor things were always so startled when he wasn’t paying close attention to his surroundings. 

“See I told you it was him, there’s no way you could mistake those scales!” The young brunette jabbed at her friend's side, grinning in delight as Ludger neared closer. “Did you try the exit near the west gate this time?” 

“Leia, I keep telling you that sneaking around will get you in trouble.” He whined, rubbing the sore spot on his side.

“You worry too much, Jude. You can’t get in trouble if you don’t get caught.” 

Ludger laughed softly, “The west gate had less guards like you said, thanks for the tip.” 

“Don't encourage her.” 

The two were younger than Ludger himself, only by a couple years. Even with their short age gap, Jude was smarter than him in a lot of ways and Leia had confidence in spades. Her short hair was her key feature, fitting for her boyish personality. In contrast, Jude’s own hair was growing longer, tied in a low ponytail near the nap of his neck. 

Their tails were like a match set, reminding Ludger of a jewelry box. Leia’s scales were vibrant, jade green that faded into softer yellows. Jude’s took on a darker gradient than Leia’s, forest green slowly transitioning to dark blue as it reached the fins. The dorsal fins by his waist were a lighter shade, making it seem as if they were merely decoration rather than practical. 

Ludger liked their tails, thinking it suited their personalities. Despite how common their colors might have been, he liked them more than his own.

“How are you feeling? You’re outside again.” Ludger noted, pointing to Leia’s tail. “No assistance chair either.” 

“Oh yeah! The Doc said I needed to do more physical therapy, so Jude is monitoring me.” 

“More like babysitting, actually.” Jude snickered, “She gets enough exercise sneaking around as it is.” 

“Jude! You’re so mean!”

Jude rolled his eyes, steadying Leia from kicking up flurries and stressing out her body. Leia had always had weak fins, having been born with the small defect made her a weak swimmer, affecting her health in inconvenient ways. Healing hymns couldn’t help, they’d tried numerous times before. An incident from a few years back came to the forefront of his mind. 

They were playing with a school of dolphins beyond the reef, the seasonal currents bringing them back from migration meant the currents were perfect for riding. They’d done this activity before and they knew from experience that it was safe to play without any adults. Ludger had taken a break with Jude, resting with the pack as Leia played with the younger calves. The shark that approached them wasn't large by any means, but the sight scared the pack into a frenzy. 

Leia was trapped between panicked dolphins and an aggravated predator. The boys couldn’t get close without being hit in the crowd. One of the dolphins knocked Leia away from harm's way before chasing off the prowling shark, suffering only minor bumps and bruises from being a victim to the current. Unfortunately her tail suffered most of the impacts, the rough skin from the shark taking off some of the scales and tearing her tail fin. Jude was too panicked to sing, tears falling from his eyes and disappearing into the salty waters they lived in. They realized none of her injuries were permanent when they came back home. Her scales would grow back in with time, but her fin would take much longer to heal. 

The three of them hadn’t gone out beyond the reef together since, aside from Ludger’s personal ventures to the surface. A small stab of pain brought Ludger’s attention forward, rubbing his forehead. “Hello? I asked you a question.” 

“Sorry,” Ludger chuckled softly, “What did you say?”

“I asked if you were heading to the surface again.” Leia huffed. It was common knowledge about Ludger’s visits to the surface to the people around him, it’s not a terrible hobby, just uncommon as their kind liked to keep to themselves. When Ludger nodded his head in confirmation, Leia shook her head with a tsk. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. There’s signs of a storm coming.” 

“The water has tasted differently lately.” Jude agrees, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. “My mom said that it shouldn’t get too bad down under though, so when you see the clouds, just come back safely.” 

“And up top?” 

“There were sightings of a thunderstorm coming in from the south, right? It might get kinda hairy up there from the looks of it.” 

Ludger pondered the idea for a moment, weighing the cons before settling on visiting anyway. “It’s more fun outside than being cooped up here.” 

“You got that right! If Jude wasn’t so uptight, I would come with you.” Leia groaned, jabbing Jude’s arm with a playful right hook. “If anyone comes looking for you, we’ll give them a real guppy chase.” 

“Safe swimming, Ludger.” Jude said politely, waving off his friend as the silver merman was kicking off above the city limits. 

The swim was uneventful, heading south from the city reef as he kicked closer to the surface. Light began to filter under the waves, lighting up the ocean floor as he neared closer to the shore. 

He broke above the waves with a gasp, taking a moment to rest his gills. Keeping close to the water, he wadded closer to one of his usual spots behind the cape rocks. Dabbing his face and skin with a little more salt water, he hoisted himself up and slithered less than gracefully above the ocean line. Resting himself beside some of the rocks, he peered over towards the shorelines and sighed woefully. 

The news of the incoming storm reached the people on land, it seemed.

The beach was void of it’s usual liveliness, much to Ludger’s disappointment. The dark overhead clouds were beginning to cloak the usually bright blue sky, however the sun was still visible. Its warm rays scattered over the sand and patches of sea. Ludger was rather glad that the sun happened to pass over his perch, warming up the stone and heating his skin comfortably. 

The wind was more active today though, drying out his scales and gills faster than he would like. More reason for him to head back once he’s had his fill for the sight of land. Julius having that talk right after waking up was a mood killer, reminding the young merman that he wouldn’t be able to visit the surface as often anymore.

Just as he was about to call it a day and return home, the silver merman noticed a person hiking up one of the cliffs adjacent to his perch. He leaned closer against the rock to hide himself, his bright scales were always a liability out in the open. 

Looking for supposed oceanic myths weren’t on this person’s agenda though. 

It was hard to make out any details from so far away, only that the human was rather tall and wore a heavy coat. They stood there, staring absently towards the sky. Curiosity got the better of him, diving into the water to relieve himself from the wind, keeping his eyes just above the water. Ludger had lost track of time at some point, he realized. The clouds had already blocked the sun by now. 

It was during this realization that the human finally moved. Their body fell off the cliff as they dove head first towards the water. Ludger gasped sharply, watching the human fall as if in slow motion. Shaking himself from the shock, Ludger dived into the water and swam towards the opposite cliff. He was more than sure that humans didn't have gills, it’s why they had people sitting on tall chairs and blowing loud whistles.

Getting close, Ludger realized the stranger wasn’t struggling against the water gasping for air. The human was male, visibly older, with brown hair and an ugly scrap of fabric wrapped around their neck. Their face was pinched, so he must be in some sort of pain. Ludger didn’t question it much longer after coming to the conclusion they needed to get out of the sea. 

Grabbing under the man’s arms, Ludger hauled the man up towards the surface. Suddenly, the man started thrashing around. The movement was less than appreciated since the human was heavy enough as it was, he’d never had to work his tail so hard in his life. 

“Stop moving so much!” He hissed, though it was probably unheard. The brunette only kicked up more of a fit before gasping for air, inhaling a lungs-worth of water instead. This human was really dumb, Ludger noted before dragging the man up again now that he wasn’t struggling anymore. 

Ludger broke the water first, scanning for the closet patch of beach as he pulled the brunette’s head above the water. He was conscious, coughing up water in exchange for precious air. The stranger pushed away from the merman, coughing up more loose water before narrowing his eyes at his savior. 

“What’s your problem!? What are you even doing out here?” 

The boy flinched, backing away from the man cautiously as well as keeping his tail away from knocking against his legs. “I saw you fall! So, I- uh..” He faltered for an explanation, averting his eyes and keeping them downcast and looking pointedly at the water. “I don’t know..” 

The man sighed tiredly, wadding against the current as he stayed afloat. Ludger wanted to point out why the man wasn’t swimming earlier when he obviously can, but the man beat him to it. “Listen, kid, thanks for helping me, but I really didn’t need it.” 

“Then why were you drowning?” 

“I don’t think you’re old enough to have this kind of conversation.”

“You don’t know how old I am!”

“Well then, how old are you?” 

“... Julius said I shouldn’t tell stranger’s my name and age.” 

The brunette paused, staring at Ludger incredulously before groaning loudly. “Okay, okay. I got it.” He said, rubbing a hand down his face. “Listen, let’s just get out of the water, alright?” 

“You can. I can’t.” 

“What?” 

“I can’t tell you. Julius said not to.” 

“Did this Julius tell you to save random people trying to off themselves too?” He asked sarcastically, beginning to paddle towards the small inlet beside the cliff. 

“What does ‘off yourself’ mean?” He asked harmlessly, wadding beside him as he maintained a safe distance between them. 

“Nothing, just some big kid language.”

“That doesn’t make sense.” Ludger huffed. “What’s your name?” 

“I thought Julius said not to talk to strangers.” He chuckled, standing up now that the water was shallow, leaving Ludger behind as he tried to keep his lower half covered under the waves. 

“If I know your name, we can be friends.” The boy reasoned. 

“Fair enough.” The man agreed easily, shedding his coat and undoing his scarf before dropping them in a wet pile on the sand. “My name’s Alvin. You don’t have to bother remembering though.” 

“I’m Ludger.” He said feeling a small smile pull at his lips. “And I need to remember your name, what would I call you if I forgot next time?” 

“Next time?” Alvin raised a brow, staring at Ludger as if he was an anomaly. To his credit, merfolk weren’t common knowledge to the surface apparently. 

“Well, yeah! We’re friends now, remember.” He said. Ludger didn’t understand Alvin’s weird words from before but it gave him a bad feeling. Ludger was worried that this might really be the last time he saw this person and not for good reasons. “Uh, I can meet you here tomorrow!” He added quickly. 

“Sure thing,” Alvin dismissed him, wadding back into the water and walking towards Ludger. “Now get out of the water, you’ll catch a cold. It’s supposed to rain.” 

“No!” He yelped, backing away quickly before Alvin could reach his hand out. “Uh- I mean.. I can’t get out.” He tried to reason, staring up at the confused expression drawn on his new friend’s face. 

“Why not?” Alvin asked, trying to reproach the young boy. “You gotta get home, you know.” 

Ludger tried to think up an excuse, but he also didn’t want to lie to a friend. Even if they just met, he still hated the idea of lying to anyone. “I’ll go home, but,” Ludger raised up a pinky leveling Alvin with what he hoped was a stern expression. “You have to meet me here tomorrow, okay.” 

“You’re putting me in a really weird position, you know that?” 

“You’re not making sense again, Alvin.” He pouted, thrusting his pinky out again, “You gonna promise or not?” 

Rain began to fall, the wet droplets hitting against Ludger’s face. The rumble of thunder echoing overhead seemed to call the brunette into action. He laughed softly, curling his pinky around Ludger’s and giving it a firm shake before moving his hand back to his side. “Okay, have it your way.” 

The young merman grinned cheerfully, “I’ll see you tomorrow then.” 

Before Alvin could voice his thoughts, Ludger dove back under the waves, splashing his tail against the surface playfully. Raising his head back above the surface, he waved his friend goodbye before heading back to the reef. 

Julius said he shouldn’t make contact with humans, but he should understand since Alvin was a friend, not just a random human.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An interlude of sorts before i finish editing the rest and then working up the courage to upload, so I hope you enjoy. Off topic, but I'm realizing that I really writing about alvin with oceans.

Daylight was coming to an end. 

The last few rays of sunlight were beginning to fade and bury itself among the never ending depths of the oceans. A sky that was a vibrant and lively blue was slowly melting into an array of warm pastels and a halo of night. 

As the sun began to set, in tandem, the sea level rose. 

Salt water began to seep into the threads of his pants, soaking his shoes and caused him to shiver from the chill. Briefly, he realized that his uncle would be upset by his tarnished appearance again, but he didn’t move.

Actually, the brunet hasn’t moved from his spot since arriving at noon. 

The teen has taken a seat on the course sand, pulling his knees halfway up his chest and leaned forward to watch the sea. His eyes tried to catch glimpses of silver scales and was met with disappointment when he realized that it was just the moving reflections above the water. Sometimes, he would forget that he was searching. Eyes transfixed in place as he stared with unblinking eyes, seeing beyond the waves and becoming lost in his own thoughts. 

Alvin imagined the outcomes of that aboard the ship. How might things have been altered from its path if he did something different, or if they were simply fated to meet such fate - and if so, why was he left to breathe air while the rest lay beneath the surface?

What were their final thoughts? Did they watch him from above with resentment and scorn?

And then he would blink, eyes growing dry from the salt scented wind. 

It was like a spell. 

One moment he was cast into the vortex of his own mind and then the next, he would reawaken with a sense of guilt but no recollection as to why, only to repeat the cycle. 

He blamed the sea, childishly. 

The teen blamed the waves for stealing what was his and blamed the depths for his misfortune. 

It was much easier if he could blame something besides himself.

Alvin considered giving up on the day, trying to convince himself that waiting for a myth was ridiculous. The day before during his attempt was a convoluted hallucination derived from his ill mind. But, he remained seated on the grainy sand of the inlet where he parted ways with the young mer.

Alvin was stubborn in inconvenient ways, so he waited and continued to search the waves for a flash of silver.


End file.
